I’ve lost count of the times that I’ve been here…

I’ve lost count of the times that I’ve been here…
Weird
Image by ashley.adcox
Mixed states. For weeks on end. It’s been exhausting. I’ve slept entire days away (literally), and I’ve gone days without sleeping. My days and weeks are blending and blurring. I couldn’t tell you when I last woke up. …I just flat out have no idea. That’s a really freaking weird state of mind to be in.

I’ve simply stopped trying to care. No more taking initiative for me…I’m just letting things happen as they will. That sounds crappy, I’m sure…but thus far I guess it’s been working out okay. Picked up a few photo gigs, so that should bring in a bit of money, therefor removing the guilt trip of wasting my life and whatnot. That’s the good thing about photography…I can make as much money in a single afternoon as I made in a week of working part time. Granted you throw editing into the mix, but I never mind editing…it’s just the part of having to be out in the world that wears me down.

The vast majority of March has been a giant blur due to the mixed states. I’m teetering between highs and lows- and constantly being ping-ponged between the two. Needless to say, it’s quite confusing…thus why I just stopped trying and gave over to it. After years of doing this, I’ve finally realized that it’s a lot easier to just shut your eyes and let it do what it will, as opposed to trying to fit yourself into some preconceived box when it’s just not gonna work.

I’ve reached the point where I’ve let go enough to where I don’t care if I’m good or bad. If I’m good…life is good, of course I don’t mind. But the lows have gotten so low that nothing from the "real world" applies anymore…surrendering gives you a whole new perspective. You reach a point where you’re so low that you no longer care that you’re low. The fact that you were ever NOT low becomes irrelevant- you no longer try to climb out of it- you don’t care, nor do you have the energy…so you just surrender to the state you’re in…I think it was the climbing that caused the suffering all along, really. There’s something decidedly more comfortable about that state now than there has been in years past. It’s quiet, and very still. My mood/life is total shit, but I’ve become so internal at that point that nothing in the world phases me. My existence has nothing at all to do with the world’s existence. It’s horrific, but it’s blissful.

In the mixed states, when I’ve had good days/hours this month, I’ve had REALLY good days. And I really feel it…I’m thankful for it- I’m not taking it for granted…I recognize in that moment how lucky I am to be having such a great moment. I leave the house. shocker.

When it’s bad…everything just kind of goes to shit for a few hours/days. I’m confused. I lose perspective of time. After a few days, I suddenly learn that it’s been raining all week, and this is a total shock to me- like after 4 days of rain, I had absolutely no idea that it had rained. I don’t leave the house. I don’t do anything. I have no idea how my time passes…I leave myself, in a way.

Balancing those two polar opposites is exhausting- Needless to say, I’m ready to get out of the mixed state area and just settle on a side…I don’t remember it ever lasting this long- I don’t remember ever changing so much, so many times, in such a short period of time.

Surprisingly, I actually have uploaded a bit to Flickr over the last few weeks…but then I always end up not making it public. I’m finding that I think 95% of the stuff I do is too worthless to post…and the 5% that IS worth something ends up being too raw to post. You reach the point of questioning why you do anything.

It’s like conversations.

The only conversations that are ever worth having are the ones that you could never have.

anything worth saying probably shouldn’t be said publicly. Art worth creating should never be shown. half the time I feel that in order to live, I would need to live a life that isn’t worth living. The only conversations that I’m able to have are the ones not worth having. The only conversation worth having is the one I’ll never have. So do I simply not speak? such is life.

what good is art, what good are thoughts, if you can never engage the world with them? And yet honesty becomes less honest when shared.

We crash, crash, crash
With nothing left to burn
We try to turn the tables
We have turned
Covering the cracks
Won’t make them disappear
I’ve lost count of the times that
we’ve been here

What’s the weight,
name the price I must pay

Cos I don’t wanna be the same anymore
Gotta find what I’m here for
But it’s so hard to change
When life gets in the way, yeah

-Gary Go: Life Gets In The Way

I was gonna play the whole "bold the really good/relevant lyrics" game…but I realized that 99% of the song was bolded…so…yea.

Erupt again ignore the pill
And I won’t let it show
Sacrifice the tortures
Orchestral tear cash-flow

Increase delete escape defeat
It’s all that matters to you
Cotton case for an iron pill
Distorted eyes
when everything is clearly dying

Burn my knees and
Burn my knees and
Burn my knees and
E-motion sickness
Addict with no heroin
E-motion sickness
Distorted eyes
when everything is clearly dying

Burn my knees and
Burn my knees and pray
Burn my knees and
Burn my knees and pray
[All my friends say]
Get up get up get up get up
Get up get up get up
Won’t you stop my pain

E-motion sickness
[To idle with an idol]
Addict with no heroin
Good things will pass
It helps with excess access
Lessons learnt

E-motion sickness
[Lost no friendship]
[Corrosive head pollution]
Lessons learnt
-Silverchair: Emotion Sickness

www.youtube.com/watch?v=0mJgvmvpvKU
^If you can’t appreciate the goodness of Silverchair, just go ahead and stop listening to music now, because you’ll never have good taste.

4 thoughts on “I’ve lost count of the times that I’ve been here…

  1. I want to see ALL your pictures…if you worked hard to shoot them, they are worth sharing! At least to friends and family!

  2. thanks 🙂

    Catherine, you’re right…not sure why Family/Friends never crossed my mind. Maybe I’ll actually upload stuff now haha.

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